I don't know if I really want to be normal, but I know it's impossible for me to be. I know, define normal. I can't. Everybody else, maybe. I don't know. But sometimes I feel like I don't fit in. My hair, my glasses... My face.. My clothes, my body, my voice, and my attitude. Even though I'm not in school anymore, I go to plenty of other places that this is a completely normal worry for me!
I just want to fit in, you know? It makes me think. Why didI get teased and bullied until I had to leave school? Was I really that ugly or stupid or nice? Is it my fault that I got bullied, because I wasn't normal enough? I've never expressed these feelings before, and I don't know if it's a good thing that I'm starting now.
Ever since I got to Fourth Grade, everything went downhill. I got extremely insecure, I developed a major phobia of Math, and that is also when the bullying fully started it's petrifying run through of my little self. I don't understand that, though, because Fourth grade was the year I had the BEST TEACHER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. I truly don't understand it. But I didn't have that teacher for everything that year, as we switched classes that year to get 'ready' for the next few years in Middle School. So I had a different teacher for Math.
Those days are the days that I can't get back, worrying about my appearance and (regretfully) pulling some of my hair out during Math class. The bullying I endured to get to where I am now, it was horrifying. I still do not understand why I'm just letting this out now, but it's good to vent out to somebody, even if they couldn't care less and aren't truly listening to what you are trying to say to them, no matter how important.
In the Fifth Grade it cooled down a bit because my teacher put her foot down right away. She wasn't having it. But then I got to the next year.
In the Sixth Grade, I had a teacher who just let it happen. He did not care at all. My life was a wreck. It was horrible. I wanted to end it. I wanted it to all stop. But it just kept on going. I was in counseling left and right with no effect. In my opinion, they basically shrugged it off. My parents fought as hard as they could, and sometimes I got blamed for not stepping up enough. I had this stupid little card wrapped in green zebra print duct tape that I was supposed to use when I didn't feel safe. I was supposed to walk up to the teacher and hand it to them and just walk out the door. But I never used it, not once. And I did occasionally get told that it was my fault and I could have used that card. I felt like nobody understood what was going on.
I never told anybody this part, though. And that is on me and I know it. Though I didn't use the card, I would leave the class without being noticed because basically, nobody cared about me. I would go into a bathroom and cry. One time it was so bad that I had actually said I was going to pick up my little brother and sneaked myself out the door and hid outside by the brick walls of the school. And yes, I cried. And then everybody started coming out of school for dismissal. I just went to pick up my little sister from her classroom and acted like nothing had happened. Nobody ever knew until now.
It hurts my stomach to write this, actually, because I'm just reliving the pain that I went through. But I'm not done yet.
I was being punched in the back of the head by boys twice my size, and then having been laughed at after. I was pushed into the walls in the stairwells, multiple times, and called horrible names that I didn't even know existed. Things happened that I'm not even going to relive. Not for anybody. I was dying on the inside, and it was peeking through to the outside and it became visible.
And then, it ended. I was taken out of school.
And now I am going to go clean my closet in my room to get my mind off of this again. You just got a taste of what it was like to be me. I hope that you can't relate to that, because nobody deserves that.
This breaks my heart. I wiah i couod take all that hurt and insecurity away. Oh how I wish this school district would have stepped up done the right thing. I can't take those days away, but i can say God will bring healing to those hurts. I am glad you didn't fit into that crowd, because if you did you would have been just like them, trying destroy another student's life. I know I am your mom so saying you are beautiful doesn't mean as much but I am going to say it anyway. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. God has an awesome life planned for you. He will take all this pain and use it for good. He loves you and He has made you in His image which means you are perfect. Trust that God has a plan for you my sweet baby girl. Trust and believr.
I love you Susanna! You are a gem. You have so many talents and gifts that God has blessed you with and I hope that someday you see that. Isaac went through the same thing when we pulled him out of school. He could relate to you. He still relives some of it an it is hard as a mom to not know all of this was going on. Take that pain honey and apply it to helping others. I believe God has a wonderful plan for you and as hard as it is to here you needed to go through this. This will be used later in your life in some way. I know it is hard to see that now but I believe that all things happen for a reason. God works all things together for the good of those that belong to Him. (Romans) You are a beautiful girl inside and out. Let that shine. I can't wait for the day that I can say I knew Susanna when....and see the beautiful person that you are and will become.
Hi. I'm Susanna, the author of this blog. This blog is proof that no matter what people may think, being home schooled doesn't ruin you, in fact, I believe that I am thriving. So if you are a nay-sayer to home schooling... Wake up and smell the roses!
Note: I would just like to bring to your attention that this is my blog. I will post as I wish within reason, reason being that I will not curse nor say inappropriate things in my posts. If you do not like what I post I would like to ask that you email me at [email protected] and I will address the situation. Otherwise I would like to ask that if you have nothing to say, say nothing at all or at least don't go about your complaints in the comments. Thanks. -Susanna:)